Missing Him And Texas

I went to see Victor for a week. I left on October 28th and came back November 4th. It was my first time ever taking an airplane and the take-off especially got me. Honestly, it scared me. I had a layover in Atlanta. And the airport there is huge.

It wasn’t so bad on the second plane. I was so excited when I finally got to San Antonio, Texas. Victor met me inside the airport.

I had such an amazing time there. Texas felt like home and I miss it. I miss Victor so much.

I wanted to update sooner and I’ll try to write a longer post soon about my time in Texas, but when I came back to Pennsylvania, I became seriously depressed. It has taken me all this time to shake it off. I’ve only started feeling better the past 2 or 3 days.

I just really miss him and I am not happy at all here in Pennsylvania. But I’ll write more about that in another post. Just wanted to write something quick and share a few pictures.

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Me and Victor. You can see his cat, too. Haha🙂

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And this is the ring he gave me. It is to show his commitment to me.

I’ll do my best to write a longer post soon. Hope you all are doing well.

Still Here

I know it’s been a while since my last update. Things were pretty rough for a while after my dad passed away. The first three days were especially hard. I kept breaking down and crying. And not because my dad had died. We weren’t close. Didn’t have a good relationship. I guess I was mourning what I never had and that was he couldn’t be the father I needed.

And when he passed, no one called us. None of his supposed friends called us to see how we were doing or anything. They still haven’t. And it’s not because they don’t know. Right after my dad had passed, my whole town knew. It spread all over town very quickly my dad died. And the saddest thing is that no one cared. They still don’t. Or at least, they don’t care about my mom and me.

And I can definitely say this is a year of change. First with me and breaking up with Marc, getting with Victor and deciding to move to Texas. I have changed a lot this year and also, I have become myself again. I just couldn’t be myself with Marc although I didn’t realize it until after I broke up with him. But Victor noticed right away when we started talking again. He’s known me since I was 14. He knew how I was, but he noticed I wasn’t me anymore. But the more we talked, I started to become me again. And that’s because, with Victor, I have always been able to be myself. He’s always accepted me as I am.

Another change came with my dad passing away. Money-wise, things are still tough, but my mom is happier. I will say that my dad treated my mom horribly, but I won’t go into details. But at least she can finally live her life now.

And yet another change is that my mom’s friend Paula left her husband. Paula and her daughter are now living with us. And I’m honestly happy they are here. When I move to Texas in the Spring, I at least know my mom will have someone here with her.

Last month I booked my flight to Texas. I will be leaving on the 28th and I’ll be there until November 4th. It is only 12 days until I see Victor! I am so excited. It’ll be my first time taking a plane and traveling alone.

And now that I bought my plane ticket, I have begun saving for moving next year. I have been looking for the cheapest ways to move. Uhaul is expensive. So far, the cheapest thing I’ve found is to rent a minivan. But I think I will probably just end up flying there again and having my stuff shipped there.

I am just so excited to see Victor and I’m excited about moving too. More than anything, I want to be with Victor. He’s amazing and makes me happy. And I love him. He completely has my heart.

So I’m getting ready to move. I’ve been going through my stuff and getting rid of things. And believe it or not, I have actually gotten rid of a lot of books. I’m keeping ones I really want to read and ones by my favorite authors. I’ve gone through my clothes and some other stuff. I’ve got more things to go through, but I have done quite a bit already. The only furniture I’ll be taking is a few of my bookcases. I’m just gonna sell my TV, but I’ll be taking my stereo and guitar with me. Don’t want to get rid of those.

And I get more excited the closer the 28th gets. I’m a bit nervous about taking a plane and traveling by myself, but I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’ve already packed my luggage. And I’ll be bringing my camera to take pictures. I’ll share some pictures on here once I get home.

Sorry I haven’t really blogged. I’ve just been busy with preparing to move and my online work because of saving up for my plane ticket. But now, I’m saving for moving so I’m focusing on that.

I hope you all are doing well🙂

Terrible Day

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I’m sorry for that. I’ve just been trying to prepare for my move next year and I’m still saving up money for going to Texas in October. So that has had me distracted.

You all know my dad’s health has been bad. He went into the hospice center yesterday to be treated for a bladder infection. My mom got a call from hospice sometime after 12pm today and was told they got the results of his tests back. They said he was in complete liver failure, I think. I’m not even sure right now. They said he would pass away sometime tonight.

He actually passed away not too long ago.

And I really haven’t talked about my dad much on my blog. We didn’t have a good relationship. The nicest way of putting it is that my dad wasn’t a good person. He treated both me and my mom horribly. There is a lot of horrible things he did. Even so, I never wished anything bad on him. But I’m honestly not sad about him passing away. What has me stressed and worried is how we’re going to survive now. My dad’s social security check was used to pay the house payment every month and without that, I don’t know what we’re going to do.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. We could very well lose everything because there is no one willing to help us. So I don’t know.

I’ll try to update again soon let you all know other stuff that’s been going on.

For Jem

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Jem was my second oldest hamster. She passed away last week.

She had gotten wet tail and I had her on medicine, but she didn’t get better.

It was very sudden. She had come out of her house and looked over at me. She had actually looked like she was getting better. Then I looked over again only a minute later and she was laying on the bottom of her cage dying.

I miss her….I wish I could have done more.

I just hope she knows that I love her and is okay where she is now.

Another Long Silence

I really don’t mean to go so long in between blogs. I do want to blog more, but I’ve had a lot going on. And when I’m not working online, I’m talking to Victor.

Marc didn’t take the break-up well. It was hard on him. And it was hard on me too. Even though I haven’t been happy for a long time, I was with Marc for 10 years and it wasn’t an easy decision to make. But I knew I had to do it. I had to do what was best for me. The relationship wasn’t going anywhere and there was a lot of other stuff too, things I just don’t want to get into.

It was hard. I definitely had a few rough days. I cried a lot.

But I am very happy. I am going to move forward with my life. I have someone who I am very in love with and he feels the same about me. And I can’t wait to start my life with him.

The plan is to visit Victor near the end of October. That’s when his birthday is and I want to spend it with him. I’ve already got $161 for my ticket. I was originally going to go by train, but now I am seriously considering taking a plane.

My mom knows about Victor. She’s known for a while now, also knows his age. And she’s been talking to him some on the phone, getting to know him. And even Marc knows that I’m with Victor.

Everyone seems to have accepted it. The only annoying thing is that it seems whenever I am trying to talk to Victor on the phone, everyone is trying to get my attention. They are all pulling at me for attention and it’s starting to get to me a bit. I can’t see Victor right now and so I want to talk to him a lot. There really is no privacy in this house.

Victor and I went public with our relationship on Facebook yesterday. Although we’ve been together for a bit now, he said it might be best to wait to give Marc some time. I agreed. We were just telling some close friends and family before, but it’s totally out there. We’re together. And that makes me happy.

Things have been good. I am very happy. In the past few months, I’ve changed a lot, good changes. And I’m ready to start living life. My plan is next year to move to Texas to be with Victor. I’m ready to start my life with him. I am really excited about it.

My family is still struggling, but I’m just being positive. Things can’t be this way forever. They will get better.

The concert that I wanted to go to is today. I’m not going because I wasn’t able to find anyone willing to go with me. I was a bit disappointed, but it’s okay. I just hope that One Ok Rock will tour in America again.

And anyone who is on facebook that hasn’t friended me yet, feel free to do so. My name is Eden Silverfox on there.

I hope you all are doing well and I really will try to post more.

Oh, and for those of you wondering what Victor looks like, this is him:

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Changes

Edit: Made this public for now so everyone can see it and then eventually I’ll password protect it again.

 

I decided not to make this post public, but instead, password protect it so only my friends on here could view it.

I’ve already told a few people, one of them being Carolyn, but I wanted to share with the rest of you.

I’ve been with Marc for 10 years now and I can’t say we’ve had a bad relationship. I just haven’t been happy for a long time. Most nights we go without talking. He’s playing video games and I’m doing my own thing. I didn’t want this way and I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he doesn’t think there is anything wrong. He doesn’t give me much attention and he pushes me away a lot. And there’s been some other stuff, but I’m not going to go into details about that.I haven’t been happy.

I haven’t been happy. Honestly, I’ve been very lonely. I’ve been depressed. And I know I mentioned a while back that I have panic attacks and anxiety, which I don’t like talking about. And also, in my post from more than a week ago, I mentioned I got back in contact with an old friend. I’ll start there.

My brother and his girlfriend took my mom and me out to dinner the one night. I didn’t have a problem going out and I was fine when we left. When we got to the restaurant and got seated, I started having panic. I don’t know why. I don’t know what caused, but it just continued to get worse. And I had my cell phone with me and I thought if I started texting someone, maybe that would help me get through it.

The person that pop into my head to text was Victor because I knew he’d text me back immediately and he did. I told him what was going on and he kept texting me, trying to help me get through the panic. And he ended up calling me when I came home later.

I’ve known Victor since I was 14 years old. We talked every day. We were close. He was my best friend. I told him everything and he was always there for me. He always listened and never judged. At some point we lost contact I guess because life got in the way.

I never forgot about him and always wondered how he was doing. I missed him. He was the one person I could tell anything and everything to.

And I wanted to get back in contact with him before, but with all the stuff that’s been going on with my family and the fact I’m stuck at home has prevented me from doing so. I had his cell phone number, but the cell phone signal is so bad at my house that it’s hard to even send out texts. And at home is usually where I’m stuck because we don’t go out much.

So, that night Victor and I got back in contact. He added me on Facebook and we started talking to each other as much as we could. We both really missed each other. Like I said, we were really close. He knows stuff about me that no one else does. It was really nice to have him back in my life and it was almost like we never stopped talking.

We told each other about what has been going on in our lives and eventually I told him what has been going on in my relationship, which I’ve just kept to myself all this time.

And ever since we started talking again that night, Victor has made time for me. Every single day. He has been there for me. He talks me through panic attacks.

My feelings for him started to change. I have always loved Victor but as a friend. And that love I have for him as a friend started to become something more. And even though we’ve always had a connection, I never expected. It’s just ever since we began talking again, something really clicked between us.

I’m deeply in love with Victor and I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy before.

And of course, my being with him is a big decision. There will be changes in my life. He lives in Texas and I do eventually plan on moving there to be with him. For now, I’m just saving money so I can take the train to see him. It’s not going to happen right away, but I am saving money. He’s patient and so am I. And I know in my heart this is what I truly want. I want to be with him. I want to have a life with him.

And he is an amazing guy. He’s one of a kind.

He cares about me. He loves me. He makes time for me. And he messages me whenever he can. As I am typing this, he’s messaging me on Facebook. He’s in a band and doing a show today. He sent me a message to say he misses me.

We have a strong connection. He gets me. He understands me like no one else does. He never judges me.

He tells me every single day that I am beautiful.

And hearing him tell me that he loves me is beyond amazing because it’s not only words, but I can feel it.

I love Victor and I wanted to share that with all of you.

I haven’t told my mom yet and I’m not sure how she’ll react. I don’t think she’ll be happy with how far away he is, but I think the bigger issue will be that he’s older than me. And that’s because of her own experiences. My dad is quite a bit older than her and their relationship has not been a good one.

But I wanted to share with all of you. I know eventually there will be some big changes in my life, but I am very happy. And I am very sure of what I want. I really love Victor and he loves me. And I just wanted you all to know about this amazing man.

I never expected to fall in love with, but I did. And I am so much happier than I have. I’ve even been listening to music again, which I had stopped doing for a long time. It’s kind of like pieces of me that I’ve lost are starting to return.

Victor is part of my life now and eventually I’ll be going to see him. And I have to say I’m excited. I’m excited about the changes and I’ll share everything with all of you as it happens.

Saint Kateri Tekakwitha Lapis Lazuli Bracelet

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My newest item listed on Webstore. It is a stretch bracelet. The beads are regular Lapis and Phoenix Lapis along with silver metal bead spacers. And a Saint Kateri Tekakwitha medal in the center.

Find this item and many more at: Tsalagi Dreams on Webstore

Tsalagi Dreams on Facebook